wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
