Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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