I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
