dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
