Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
