His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
