I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
