I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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