I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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