Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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