Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
