My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
