just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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