I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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