Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
