ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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