just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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