my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
