I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
