then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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