I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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