dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
