just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
farters have to be the big spoon...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
