clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
