I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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