I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
