woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
