So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
