he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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