If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
