I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
