Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We need to get me chipped asap
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
