Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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