Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
