I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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