There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
