So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
