Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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