Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize