I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
