dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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