Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
