I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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