Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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