im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
