so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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