just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
