dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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