I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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