Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
