When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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