I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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