Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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