Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
