Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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