He had one of those small greek statue penises
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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