Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
