I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
