I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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