we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize